


너 없이 안돼 (I Can't Be Without You)

by AOMGsus (BigBangObsessed)



Category: AOMG, Jay Park (Musician), Simon Dominic (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Drunkenness, Fights, Friends to Lovers, Leaving Home, M/M, Running Away, Seattle, Secret Relationship, Sexual Content, Violence, hints at sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2016-10-24
Packaged: 2018-08-24 12:04:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8371672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BigBangObsessed/pseuds/AOMGsus
Summary: Jay and Kiseok get in an argument, a really bad one. Rather than choosing to stay and sort it out, Jay leaves for Seattle. Kiseok follows him.Some violence, cursing, brief and non-explicit sexual themes





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poster credit goes to yours truly~

 

* * *

 

 

  Finally back at his apartment from a long day at work, Jay doesn't feel at home in the slightest. He's positively ready to combust, a rapidly accumulating burn spreading through his body as he tries to throw the door shut behind him. He doesn't feel like talking to anyone right now, especially not  _him_. He feels positively humiliated, like a total fool for hoping Kiseok would hear him out on his side of the argument. But Kiseok was like a petulant child, hardly willing to change his beliefs of anything unless some motive was strong enough to bend him.

  And speak of the devil, Kiseok is still hot on his trail. He catches the door before it shuts, ignoring the pain in his hand after being clapped between the door and the entryway. "Jaebum, can you stop for a second? We just fucking  _walked_ home from the studio, and I tried to explain myself to you the whole way here. You know it's rude to put your headphones in when your boyfriend is talking to you, right?"

   _Boyfriend._ The word has Jay seeing fire, and he finally jolts to a stop. His feet hurt,his legs burn from the unforgiving pace he'd used to try and get Kiseok to give up. At least Kiseok committed to being stubborn and had followed him, but Jay would be satisfied with that any other day. Just not today. He's too consumed by his anger to feel any sort of immediate praise for the other man. He turns around, glaring at Kiseok with joyless eyes.

  "So now you want to call me your boyfriend? Always when we're alone, never with others around, is that it? Why don't you tell me, Simon, how can you even consider me your  _boyfriend_ in these conditions?" He crosses his arms across his chest, which heaves with powerful breaths that make the room swell with more hostility than carbon monoxide.

  Kiseok just stares back, his face one of more shock than anything. Arms limp at his side. He knows Jay would probably laugh at their lack of muscle if Kiseok tried to mirror him; there was none of that sheer bliss in Jay's eyes, not today. He hadn't used his real name at all today, who knew what else he would resort to for a quick jab his ego? The thought has him uneasy. His voice, by comparison, is far more hesitant and level. "What do you mean 'how can I consider you my boyfriend'? I always do, you know that. Jaebum, I _know_  you know how I feel about you. Isn't that more important than others knowing?"

  Jay laughs, but it's short. Biting and harsh, full of malice. "Not anymore, no. It never was, but I acted like it was for you. I'm an affectionate guy, you know that. Just because Simon Dominic is too cool to show his love around his friends doesn't mean I agree to follow suit. We talked about this before we even started dating. I told you from day one, before that even: I want to be able to show our friends how I feel about you. I don't want to be fake and hide this from everyone. My idol days are over, I'm done keeping up facades and shit. That isn't me, just like "being bros" isn't us. I've pretended to just be your friend for long enough, Simon-"

  " _Quit fucking calling me that!"_ Kiseok seethes, hands in fists as he practically yells at his boyfriend from across the room. "Why are you doing that, what the fuck is your deal today? Even in front of them you call me by my birth name. I call you by your birthname in front of them, too. If you're trying to win this argument, _Jaebum_ , getting under my skin with petty things isn't going to do it for you."

  "Well if being genuine and trying to convince you didn't work, is anything actually going to?" Jay laughs again, and it makes Kiseok's stomach twist. He watches Jay shrug, arms out at either side as his hands turn up to the ceiling. There's no true smile in the way his lips turn up- it's smug, it's _meant_ to hurt. For Kiseok to see what he's doing to Jay, making him hide his affection like this. "I mean, I've asked several times. Not just in the past couple days, weeks, but for months.  _Months,_ Kiseok, do you realize that? We had our four month anniversary in secret in the middle of a tour. And we saw our friends all day the day before,  _you roomed with Hyukwoo._ I had to sleep in a full-sized bed with Sunghwa in the other when we could have rented the suite that night. It was open, it was a sign and you didn't listen. You never listen!"

  Kiseok takes longer to respond. He knows he's wrong, he doesn't have any other ammunition. Nor armor to protect himself from all this pent-up guilt that Jay's throwing right in his face. "I didn't think we would..."

  "What, last? Well we have, and we've been really damn happy. And I wanted to show our friends, just our friends and family, how happy we have been. But I felt guilty bringing it up, because each time I asked you said you weren't ready. We're going on almost six months together now, are you ready now? Are you ready to be proud of us, of me?" Jay's voice cracks a bit, and his shoulders have slumped. "Or were you hoping we wouldn't last this long?"

  "No, you know that isn't true. Jaebum, I love you. I just... I-i can't explain it. But you complete me, you make me so damn happy."

  "Everyone at the studio thinks I make you uncomfortable! You make a joke whenever I try to flirt, and everyone elses laughs too. Fuck, you take my compliments like they're from Jukyung and not your lover. Hyukwoo came up to me today and said he was worried I was going to mess up our friendship by trying to get you to sleep with me. We share the same bed half the time, how could you possibly think that you're doing right by me if I can't tell him that you like it when I do that?"

  "I left Jane for you," Kiseok responds meekly. His voice is so soft that his words seem ready to shatter under Jay's heavy onslaught. "I left her as soon as I got to spend time with you and get to know you better."

  "Then fucking GO BACK to her!" Jay yells. His eyes are welling and he's ready to cry, damn it, but he can't take it any more. "I'm clearly not what you expected me to be." There they are, the tears. They slip down his cheeks, hot and ample, as he stares at Kiseok looking downright tormented. The older man says nothing. Knowing it's far too late to say anything, he just steps closer. How badly he aches to embrace him, tell him he's sorry.

  Jay almost gives him hope, responding to his advances with defeated strides of his own.

  He brushes right past Kiseok, and doesn't stop walking until he reaches the door. Kiseok turns around slowly, confused and feeling like Jay got a grip on his heart as he walked by.

  "...Jaebum? Where are you going?"

  It hurts so bad, hearing his name like that. But this has been going on for too long, and he hasn't slept right in days. He misses his own bed. His own house. His dogs. His  _city_. The growing distance between them, under Kiseok's attempts to not reveal their relationship, has Jay looking for something comfortable again.

  "To see my parents."

  "Are... are they here? You never told-"

  "No. I'm going home."

  He's half turned the doorknob, suspended in an eternal, agonizing moment in time.

  "This is home," Kiseok suggests softly.

  "Not anymore."

  And Kiseok physically feels pain as Jay shuts the door. Cell phone in one hand, his heart in the other.

  When the elevator doors have shut, Kiseok's sure there isn't a heartstring left intact.


	2. Interlude

 

* * *

 

  Like a fool, Kiseok had followed Jay out of the apartment. He had stared at the door and hoped it would reopen for long enough that Jaebum had made considerable distance on him. Kiseok checked his phone for plane flights, and noticed that he would just  _barely_  be missing a flight to Seattle. That would be the one Jay was taking, he knew it, and he felt his heart sting from wherever Jay had probably dropped it on his way to escape Korea.

  Had he truly been such a bad boyfriend that the whole country felt hostile to him now?

  Almost feeling the ghost of Jay's presence every step of the way, Kiseok had gotten in a cab. Reached the airport. Purchased a ticket. Gone through security with no bag, because nothing mattered more than seeing  _him_ again.

 And here he was, dozing in and out of his miserable reality, on a flight that still felt far too long.

  Kiseok knows it's all his fault, and it took no long contemplation to know that. He'd denied Jay what he wanted of their relationship far too long, and now he has to face the truth. He has to show Jay how much he cares, and proudly announce them as a couple. But god, it's so scary. The last time he was in a disclosed relationship, it was so hard. Dispatch always on their tail, keeping a keen eye on any date they didn't disguise themselves for. Anywhere he went, any show he went on, Kiseok was asked only about them as a unit. The public only ever thought of her, this beautifully talented woman, as the hot thing on his arm. And no matter how long he had been away from Jane, their memory was just as vivid as the day they had declared their breakup.

    _Because people didn't know how and when to just let it go._

  To this day, people still ask him about their relationship. It drives him mad, he's moved on. Jane has moved on. And she would be perfectly happy with other men, if they didn't keep fearing that they would be messing with "his property". Kiseok still gets asked how Jane is. As if it's his problem? Were they supposed to still go out for coffee? She's a perfectly capable girl, and he wishes her the best, but what she does behind closed doors now is well beyond his concern.

  God forbid it happens, but he wants Jay to be able to move on too. Without the same sort of situation- nobody wants to be stuck thinking of their ex, nobody deserves that pain. And no matter the circumstances of the breakup they could potentially have, if the public were to find out, it would be the same fate for them. The constant fear to tell others they'd moved on, because everyone else would still be looking at their past like it was the present. Under the conditions that Jay should _want_ to break up, of course.

  He probably does now, Kiseok figures. The thought makes him sick, it makes him want to cry. But it was his fault, he deserved the ache. The amount of pain the love of his life has felt, knowing he wouldn't be titled as such to those that mattered most, must have been so indescribably horrible.

  It wasn't even like Jay wanted to tell  _everyone_ , either. He wanted to tell the rest of AOMG, to let them understand why they acted the way they did. He wanted to tell their parents, and introduce him properly. How awful Kiseok feels when he considers that, in Jay's mind, their first trip to Seattle alone probably would have been to introduce Kiseok as boyfriend to his family. Not the man that's chased him down, to clean up mess he had created for the both of them.

  Kiseok hears the ding of the plane telling passengers to refasten their seatbelts, the captain interrupting everyone's movies and radio podcasts to announce that they will be landing in half an hour. He looks out the window, and Washington is sprawled out before him under the gloom of clouds and a timid grey sky. He isn't sure whether to feel relieved or terrified of being closer to him again.

  Will he even find Jay's house?

  Wouldn't he stay somewhere else in case he knew Kiseok could find him at home?

  What if Jaebum asks him to leave?

  And if his parents are there, isn't he going to have to tell Jay's parents?

  Thoughts of each and every bad scenario possible torment him, despite Kiseok trying to quell them or run them out with his music. And then he hears Jay's voice, and it hurts even more. Breaks him down note by inescapable note, ensnared only to suffer between his cheap complimentary earbuds. The constant anxiety halts for a moment, only to be replaced by longing as he indulges himself with the sound of Jay's voice, photos of them together on his dying phone. He can't stop wondering why the hell he couldn't just give Jay what he deserved.

  Kiseok decides that if Jay kicks him out or refuses to see him, he'll just go back to Korea and stop tormenting him. No matter how much it hurts himself.

  The rumble of the landing wheels making contact with the ground  shakes him out of his gloomy state, if only for now. He looks at the airport, preparing himself.  _Jaebum was here no more than a few hours ago._

  It's a pity he hasn't studied English since high school. 

 


	3. Chapter 2

 

* * *

 

 

  It's been a week since Jay touched down in Seattle. He notes it rather indifferently as he sits in his rented apartment and eats a too-sweet cereal for "breakfast". Dare he call it breakfast? It is 10:00 in the morning- in Korea. In his hometown, it happens to be 6:00 at night. He's spent far too many hours pining over Kiseok and waiting on his calls, texts, maybe even Instagram updates. And so far, he's gotten... he checks his phone again, setting it down and quelling a sigh with a spoonful of soggy corn flakes. Nothing. Zilch, zip, nada. Not just today, but all week. He's beginning to think thay maybe Kiseok had been planning this, trying to wriggle out of a commitment he hadn't tried to make by doing what he'd wanted to do all along.   
  
  Jay feels sick thinking that. That perhaps Kiseok had meant to make him feel like a lovesick fool, and only led him on for his own entertainment. If he were to find out  that the first man he'd ever trusted enough to give his heart and body to, to be intimate with, had been using him as a booty call this whole time... he'd just be sick. Probably more than sick, positively depressed; he'd grown overly fond of Kiseok. And even though the elder made others think they were supposed to just be friends, and hurt Jay doing it, something in his heart told him he was just being too sensitive. Jay himself had never believed they had been "just friends", not since they first met almost four years ago. It had just been a matter of Jay being able to process that Kiseok had been flirting with him, and that he actually liked it, that kept them without a title for so long.  
  
  _So isn't this my own fault?_ he asks himself. Maybe Jay should have said "to hell with it", and dated Kiseok the same way they always had when they didn't have that title; without regard for others finding out. Known as a duo to others or not, they were so good together. So happy. Perhaps Jay had been the one that actually caused trouble in paradise all along? Setting his spoon in the dregs of the milk, Jay tries to distract himself from that thought. He isn't hungry anymore, quite the opposite. He wants to throw up and cry, a mess of relationship issues and jetlag he hasn't tried to cure.   
  
  He sees his phone ring for what must have been the fourth time today, not taking the time to get excited. He knows good and well who it is. He delays answering by cleaning up, taking the time to wash his bowl by hand instead of putting it in the dishwasher. After also hand drying the spoon and the sink itself, his phone rings again, and Jay finally relents and takes the call. "Sunghwa, do you have anything to do other than call me?"  
  
  There are multiple hoots and cries of surprise from the other end, and Jay has to smile at this. _Were_  multiple _people checking up on him?_ "Hello?" Sunghwa's perky voice comes through, crisp and clear. When Jay closes his eyes, it's as though they're in the studio together and nothing's gone wrong. Jay feels _homesick_ for a moment. No, not that. He just misses his friends, he doesn't need to go back yet. He shoves that thought right away, throws it right off the balcony he's excused himself to. "Is this really the elusive Park Jaebum?" Several cheers again- he thinks he hears a catcall, and chuckles.  
  
  "What the hell is this, a stakeout? Think I got kidnapped or something?" Even though he doesn't have an awfully great amount of joy right now, he puts more inflection into his voice. It's the least he can do for such wonderful friends. "I'm not MIA, I'm on vacation. So take a deep breath, and tell Wegun to get off my dick- I didn't pick up to talk dirty to y'all." He pauses, listening to the laughter from his friends as they console the objecting DJ on their end.

  "No, we know you left. Which is why we called, you never told us. You never even told us when you were on the way, it all seemed a little impulsive. And then the lack of texts... we just missed you." Sunghwa speaks for them all, and the guilt comes back. How cruel of him to think it would only affect Kiseok if he left, how selfish. He plays with the hem of his shirt, responding quietly.

  "I miss you guys, too." Both ends seem to lull to silence again, and Jay only hears the buzz of traffic below as he scrambles for something to say. "So... any news? From a special someone?"

  "...Uhm, from who?" Sunghwa asks as if he doesn't know who Jay's referring to- and he doesn't. None of them do, he supposes; despite Jay's pleas, Kiseok was just too afraid to let them. Their best friends. He sighs at that, growing anxious to hear about him.  
  
  "C'mon, I think you know who.  The only one not there right now. Have you heard from him?"  
  
  There's a pause as Sunghwa looks around, taking a head count or looking to someone for help to conduct this gently, he isn't able to tell. "You gotta be more specific than that, man, I mean... Pumkin's gone, Jukyung's with friends... Cha Cha isn't here, but you're able to communicate with him better than we-"  
  
  "Kiseok, have you heard from Jung Kiseok?" There's a lull in the background noise as Jay not only cuts Sunghwa off, but addresses Kiseok by his full name. How impatient he must sound, how rude. He would be afraid the distance could cause him to lose them, too, but they're too loyal. Too good to him. "Sorry, I just..." Sunghwa clears his throat and starts again, the background noise nonexistent.

  "No, it's okay...  but we haven't. He's been more aloof than you. I mean, we've all called him. Every last one of us, even tried from some of the stylists and his manager. But he won't budge."  
  
  Jay's heart hurts, actually hurts, like someone is pulling on it. "Well, could you maybe call again?" He sounds desperate, he knows that, but he doesn't care. What if something happened? "I mean I'm probably the reason he won't answer, but shit, I didn't mean for him to disappear. It's not like I hate him now."  
  
  "Why can't you call?" Sunghwa asks politely. "I'd try again, Jaebum hyung, but it would probably just make him want to ignore us more... Who knows? He might wanna hear from only you. We all know how he gets when he's mad." Jay's heart is pumping nothing but venemous concern, guilt, and regret through his veins. Too choked up by his overbearing emotions to contribute to the discussion, Jay decides not to. "Hey man, I uh... I gotta go. I'm so sorry for neglecting you guys, it's just been a rough week. I'll pick up from now on, and I'll make it up to you as soon as I get back to Korea."

    "Hey, we'll be right here for you. Maybe not, like, all the time? Hyukwoo's feet are starting to smell." He smiles again as hears Sunghwa yelp a bit as the aforementioned rapper assaults the producer with what is no doubt a house slipper. "But you get the gist."

  He gets all choked up as he hangs up, feeling far lonelier than he ever had before in his hometown.

  The first thing he can think of to distract himself is call Kiseok, and it's straight to voicemail. Every time. No matter how long Jay waits around before trying again.


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to let you know, this chapter is the violent one, but I feel it's important! No weapons, just a fistfight.

 

* * *

 

 

 It's nearly midnight, Jay notices as he's hassled and shoved to the back exit of a nondescript club in the heart of Seattle. He briefly sees his phone screen as he goes to call for help (from who, he's not sure- maybe Hep?), but to no avail. One of the multiple pairs of freakishly strong hands tugging him into the street by the collar snatches his iPhone away and drops it. The sound of his heartbeat in his ears is pumping too loudly to hear the screen shatter on the pavement. What's worse, Jay's inebriated. He can hardly stand without these gym rats on him, let alone defend himself.

  Three on one hardly seems fair any day, but Jay's starting to realize that alcohol really doesn't do anything good for him. 

  With nothing to do but wallow and wait for Kiseok, Jay didn't have the motivation to see anyone. He didn't want to go outside, rent a bike and just ride around like he imagined he would. He didn't want to see his parents and just worry them with his less than superb condition. So when he finally decided he needed a drink, he went out to a seemingly decent bar on the east side of town. But his simple drink had led to _multiple_ girls preying on his unsuspecting, lonely appearance. Turns out they all had macho boyfriends, and they hadn't taken too kindly to the teasing Jay had done to tell them their girls had pounced on him.  
  
  "Hey, hey, I was kidding! Can't you take a fucking joke? Or is there no space in those freakish heads for anything but protein powder? Maybe that's why your sleazy ass girls were all over me." Shit, oh shit.  _Shut up, Jaebum!_ He panics as one of the unsightly bodybuilding types -he really looks like The Thing, Jay manages to think through the fog of Grey Goose- fumes. A vein running from his large head to his thick neck bulging makes Jay think of the blood he's probably gonna lose when they undoubtedly beat the shit out of him, and he feels sick.

  "You're just digging a deeper hole for yourself, pretty boy," The Thing leers. The other two back up just enough for him to get a good shot at Jay, and his stomach bottoms out.

  Jay swears he hears the concrete shatter like in a superhero movie when he hits it with his entire body. His breath is knocked out of him, and he's left to wheeze for more oxygen. The other two meatheads block him from the dim lights on the back of the club, kicking at him a bit to warm him up for what's to come. "Get up, pretty boy," one jeers at him. "We aren't done with you yet." He isn't sure if it's the foolish liquid courage, or trying to escape, but Jay somehow staggers to his feet. Spinning, everything is spinning.  
  
_Maybe I should stop clubbing._

~~~

  Kiseok's stuck in his own personal hell. So close to his lover he can hardly stand it, yet far enough away that he can't find him. Had Jay called him? He couldn't have, his phone had Jay on Emergency Contacts and Kiseok had it practically attached to his hand. And any time he called, Jay denied the call. It hurt terribly, he missed him so much. Kiseok had nothing to do but wander the streets until it got dark; he couldn't drive. Sometimes he found himself back where they'd held their show in Seattle. He'd sit outside the Showbox and mope, most likely with chocolate from Pike Place. Weight gain be damned, he was mourning.

  He tries calling Jay again, sighing deeply as he dials his number from memory, rather than pressing his contact. It seems more personal in a way, like he's closer to Jay somehow. As the phone rings, he hears a ringtone in the distance. But he knows that ringtone, it's  _his_  ringtone. That's Jay's phone, he knows it. Jay had always complained about not knowing what ringtone to pick, so Kiseok had taken the initiative and playfully tried singing one of Jay's songs into the phone. There was no background music, his voice cracked, and it was downright terrible, but he had never been so happy to hear his own voice. His Jay was right there.

  But as soon as he heard Jay's voice, he knew something was wrong.  _Something's not right, he's in trouble._ Kiseok bristles as he rushes around the corner, and he's seeing fire as he sees the love of his life get punched straight in the jaw. The men were freakishly fit, grotesquely muscular, and would no doubt destroy Kiseok. _But you always miss a shot you don't take, right?_

~~~

  Jay's being gripped by either arm now, because he can't stand up alone anymore. The gut, the face, it seems only his groin is off-limits. Which is a bit of a relief, but had to be coming eventually. He's pretty much accepted he might die in this alley anyways. What's the harm in one more joke? "Hey, Roid Rage," he chuckles weakly, nose dripping blood. "Are you saving my nuts because you miss yours?" Right as he watches another big arm swing at him, he's pulled out of the way by his jacket collar like a small child. The men on either side of him have to release him in shock, fearing the authorities have been contacted. Strong hands are on his biceps. Not strong in the same way these circus acts are, but in their own right. Jay thinks he knows them, somehow. Their long fingers tighten on his biceps and he knows he's felt them before. He's just not sure _where_.  
  
   "Run!"  
  
  If he weren't so afraid, Jay would have recognized that voice, too. But he was scared to the core, afraid to lose his life at the hands of such unattractive and selfish people. But there it was, the voice he had yearned to hear. That deep baritone, sounding more frantic than it ever did when spitting fire for thousands. And yet, he doesn't recognize it at all. He just obeys and begins to book it as far away as he can. He doesn't even look back to see who it was that shoved him out of the crossfire, or thank him. But before long, said savior is on the floor. Jay hears a heavy thud to the ground, and feet connecting to someone's stomach. The sound reminds him of what's caused the pain in his own body, and spurs him further away in terror. He keeps going til he's so pained that he throws up in a trash can in some nondescript back alley, and so lost that he has to call a cab.

  As it pulls up, Jay collapses into it and forces out his temporary address. He stares out the window, watching them get closer and closer to the safe side of town, until the cab driver snaps him out of it: "Kid, you need to put on your seatbelt."

  "Oh, y-yeah... sorry." He replies meekly, hands still shaking as he straps in. "Where I'm from we don't use those much." Jay takes in the silence of the cab as he realizes that he just referred to Korea as his home.  _God, what is it about Kiseok that has me so out of it lately? I love it here..._  Drunk and lonely, glum from overthinking things, but just sober enough to remember his number, Jay decides to call Kiseok. He feels around for a moment before realizing he left his phone back at the club, on the pavement. All the strings of loving text messages, the photos together, gone. Everything gone, the only thing he had of Kiseok was gone because he had fucking forgotten it.

  When he starts to weep, the driver takes it for nothing more than the behavior of an emotional drunk type.

~~~

   _Well, at least they didn't spit on me,_ Kiseok thinks to himself as he stares up at the dark, starless sky. The bodybuilders Jay got himself wound up with realized he didn't have the stamina nor the will to fight that Jay did, and had gotten bored of him after he threw up on their shoes after a particularly hard kick.He's got a split lip he notices briefly, but that isn't the half of it. All he can taste is blood and bile, his head is pounding, and he thinks he feels his hair getting matted against the pavement. Sticky, something's sticky too. Or just wet, he doesn't know. Something feels like it's rattling inside of him, and he would have made a joke about being a human maraca if it didn't hurt to think.  _At least Jay won't die_ _hating me. Today._

   Just to humor himself, he might as well call Jay again. See if he'll pick up after he's been saved from a major ass-whooping. Kiseok coughs up a mouthful of blood and spit, disposing it not far from himself as the phone rings. He hears something clatter on the pavement next to him. Rather rythmically. Turning onto his side, groaning in agony, Kiseok comes face to face with himself. Shattered in the cracked screen of Jay's phone. He can't help but chuckle.

  How ironic, he was broken no matter how he looked at it.

_At least now I have two ways to call myself an ambulance._

 

* * *

 

  Hey guys, I'm back! I hope you liked this chapter, I haven't written action in a while. I really love feedback and just general screechy, fangirly compliments that I usually leave, so please be an active reader! I love comments~ ^^


	5. Chapter 4

 

* * *

 

 

  Three weeks. It has been three weeks and it's oddly just as dreadful to be here now as it was the first day he landed here. Jay didn't understand; it was _home_ , that was supposed to help. He had been aching to be here, and now he was still sore. Now, he's able to speak his native language wherever he goes, and he can go to all his favorite old places. He can roam the streets and not have to worry about constantly being ambushed by fans. If he meets any, they recognize him so seldom that it doesn't bother him. He can see his parents at any given time! It's easy, it's familiar. And it's  _home_. But Jay's starting to realize he might not just have one homeland anymore.

  God, it's better to just not think about it right now. He just has to focus on the present before he has a mental breakdown. So, Pike Place... coming back again was like greeting an old friend after so long. It's almost home to any Washingtonian, really, he muses. Anyone that has ever been to Seattle can walk the old cobblestones, which started so abruptly against the normal pavement, and feel like they're stepping back onto a welcome mat at their loved one's home. So rich in history, so timeless. Jay did miss this, and it takes the edge off a bit.

  Pike Place, with its bustle of people. He revels in the joy of squealing children watching butchers throw fish, with a constantly-rotating variety of street performers right near the fishmonger's booth. The vibrant flowers and fresh produce that take up so much of the first floor envelop Jay in their fresh, earthy scent. Food and craft booths alike, all overlooking the crystal clear water and the ferris wheel. It should all make him feel cured, happy. It used to. If he was upset, he used to be able to go to that yummy bakery with the mouthwatering cinnamon rolls and everything would magically be better. He could probably cure his sorrows right now with a box of those cinnamon rolls, he supposes. And every last bite would be worth it. He's licking his lips just thinking about it, positively ready to drool. And still, the thought of that sticky sweet flavor turns slowly bitter on his tongue at the memory of why he's ended up back here in the first place. He's looking for Kiseok, who wouldn't know any better than to follow the crowds to somewhere he might find Jay. As a Seattle native, he feels rather terrible leaving him alone in such a foreign area. Kiseok had once said Seattle was like Busan, his own home, but how many people  _here_ actually spoke Korean on a fluent level? Any other Korean speakers in the market were typically also travelers.  
  
  And suddenly, his heart goes cold at the thought of how he had recklessly abandoned Kiseok. Without any preemptive, deep thought to it. Only his selfish qualms had caused him to leave, when Kiseok had been so sorry. He never begged, but Jay knows he would have gotten down on his knees. If only Jay had stayed longer. And now he is here, by himself, feeling lonelier in the way the biting cold autumn air hangs around him and nips at him beneath his jacket. Now, everything he typically treasures about the marketplace falls grey, and the disadvantages glare at him with disdain. Jay can only think of how awful the fish smell is, the noise of all those people that didn't know how to move for others to pass by. How cold the water would be, despite the warm twinkle of the sun. And those lovely flowers, lined up and arranged so beautifully, would all soon spoil and die. They would fall apart slowly, petal by petal, just like his relationship with Kiseok. Are they truly over? Again, he has to wipe his mind. Numbness is good for the timebeing, he has to feel nothing. Nothingness is better than the pain.

  Jay checks his new phone for the umpteenth time, wishing fruitlessly that Kiseok would just shoot him a damn text. He sent the older man a message from his new number. He knows it was the right number, he just _knows_. Jay can't ever forget anything about Kiseok, even if they were to break up. Even if remembering would cause him to ache when they were over, he knows he would have to sit and waste away. It would be worth it, to hold onto memories of all the affection. Being the recipient of tender kisses, rather than always being the one to deliver them. The intimacy in being able to be embraced by someone else, and not feeling emasculated by it. Kiseok always made him feel like he was so strong, but so protected. It's awful to think of how long he may have to go without that, or when he'll finally have it confirmed for him that he was blisfully aware the last time had been _the last time_.

  Kiseok would be the death of him, there was no doubt about it.  
  
  Maybe -he muses once more, for what must be the thousandth time- Kiseok was done with him. Which would be his own damn fault, but a shame nonetheless. He couldn't harbor ill feelings for something he caused.  
  
  As he wallows internally, Jay is just conscious enough in the real world to notice that the street is clear of any cars. He's checked the whole market place three, four, maybe five times over for Kiseok. He even camped out at some of the food stands that he knew would pique his lover's (could he even say that anymore?) fancy. He sighs and pushes in his earbuds, staring down at his phone as he starts to cross the street. He fails to remember how unpredictable Seattle drivers can be. As if living in two cities notorious for strange driving conditions -and even crazier drivers- had done nothing for him. Besides, he was crossing with a group. What could possibly go wrong?  
  
  Well, not everyone follows traffic signals. He must be an idiot for forgetting that, but he thinks nothing of it. Mostly because he doesn't notice. He fails to notice that time seems to be whirring past him as he dwells in sorrow, and everyone passed almost half a minute ago. He continues anyways, eyes trained on the ground. How strange, in times of hardship, that it's even more difficult to try and be happy again.

  People start to to call out to him as a car comes up over the hill, apparent that it has no intention of stopping. One of those aristocratic types, flaunting their sports cars by driving far too fast in a civilian area. Anyone that doesn't have headphones in can easily hear the motor roaring like a predator. But Jay misses Kiseok's voice, and it drowns out all else as he walks at a pretty upbeat pace across the street. Strangers are trying desperately to get his attention, trying to yell to him. They must be going 50 in a 25 zone, and there are no police officers in sight. His headphones drown out the noise as the equally oblivious driver continues forwards at a breakneck pace. There's no way they could stop for him at this point. Time seems to be moving in slow motion.  
  
  The car comes over the crest of the hill, and Jay has almost made it across the street.  Right as Jay has the chance to look up and see the large flash of shiny new paint mere feet from him, those damn hands have him again. And he's falling, falling again, back to the pavement. Halfway atop their fallen owner. The car never stops zooming past as time starts moving normally again, and Jay still can't hear it over the sound of his heart beating in his ears. Shaking, is he shaking? Why is he shaking, is he intact? Oh god, did he break a bone? Was he hit, is he dead? Jay stares up in a daze, afraid to look down at himself. The body beneath him has since moved out from under him, and Jay finally talks himself down enough (more the music in his ears than anything) to notice.

  Just like in the movies, someone is standing above him. Blocking out the the dimmed, cloud-shrouded sun as it hangs over the city. What sunlight escapes the net of the clouds is like a halo of light behind the head of his savior, who dons a hood.  _No true Washingtonian wears a hood, everyone has an entire closet of hats. He must be new here._  
  
  "What the hell, are you crazy?"  
  
  Jay's heart stops, and it feels like he really had been plowed over by that car after all. He knows that voice, he left its host back in Seoul. There is no way he was that special, that Kiseok would fly all the way here. There was no way he would have stayed here and suffered with his subpar English for so long, to find someone that had left him high and dry. There was no way Jay was worth that much. Not to himself, to Kiseok, his family,or anyone else.  
  
  "Kiseok?" he asks all the same, still lying on the burnt red bricks in a dumbfounded state. He notes Kiseok has a black eye, a real good one, too. He tries to reach out and touch it, but his mind is racing over everything else far too fast for him to command it to move his body.  
  
  The bar fight.  
  
  "Was that.... a week ago, that was you?" Kiseok just stares, neither agreeing nor denying. Jay doesn't miss a strange, unreadble sort of remorse in his eyes. Jay can't even sit up before Kiseok stands up and tries to draw his shoulders back in a parody of dignity. Slowly, almost reluctantly, he turns on his heel and walks away. He goes headlong into the masses swarming up and down the streets on this busy Saturday. "No, WAIT!" Jay yells, stumbling as he gets up witht the help of a small swarm of nearby strangers. But to no avail; his voice is drowned out by the street performers, the disjointed conversations of everyone being heard all at once.

  Jay's heart feels heavy, but there's an actual pysical weight on him now. In his front pocket. With trembling hands, he reaches into his pocket. The gasp he inhales from sliding his finger against cracked glass is stuck in his throat as he sees Kiseok's face behind that glass.  _His old phone?_ All those photos, those memories. Was this Kiseok's way of telling him to hold on, or to give up? His lips start to tremble as much as his digits as Jay sinks back to the pavement and properly breaks down.  
  
  _What the hell, are you crazy?_  
  
  That is the last thing Jay hears from Kiseok for what feels like another eternity.  
  
  That is the next thing on Kiseok's list to hate himself for as of recent. Leaving Jay alone, when all of him wants to hold him close and never let go. But who's to say Jay wanted that? Who's to say he actually appreciates how Kiseok has essentially stalked him here? Was he even wanted anymore? Kiseok is already wiping tears of anger and anguish from his eyes as he blends into the crowd, escaping the marketplace on this bustling day.


	6. Chapter 5

 

* * *

 

 

  He'd been out on the deck, morosely nibbling on a hombao. The last time he'd had Chinese food this good, he had actually been in Shanghai for a concert. And suddenly, they hit Kiseok like a dream. He wasn't sure how the numbers came to him- had he been trying to count how many hours he'd been without Jay? But suddenly, they had. A certain set of numbers clicked in his mind, and he couldn't shake them. Why were they so  _familiar?_ The revelation had been so sudden, and shocked him so much, that he dropped the Chinese curry-filled bun off the hotel balcony. Staring down at the ground, watching it plummet, he was suddenly terribly anxious to follow it down. He had to get there fast.

  Jay's house. He had remembered his parents' address.

  The entire journey was a blur. He doesn't remember taking the elevator to the main lobby, or hailing a cab, or the faces of a couple he may or may not have stolen a cab from in his haste to get to Jay's house. But now, here he is, fidgeting with the seams in the well-worn interior of a taxi that seems to be going a little too fast in a rural area.

   Edmonds wasn't terribly far from Seattle, but it feels like Kiseok will have grown some stubble by the time they reach the house. He watches every home they pass, praying Jay will still be waiting for him. He longs to see his face again, no matter how bitter the expression when Jay sees him.

   They finally reach the large white house in the sprawling, quiet neighborhood. He'd seen it on so many fansites after Dispatch had found Jay's house, following the 2PM scandal.  _This may be the only time I say it, but thank god for nosy paparazzi._

  "Stay here, please?" He asks the cab driver, trying his best to speak proper English. "I'll be, like, right back." He's lucky he got a polite one, an older man that seems to be doing this to burn up the ample time he has in his retirement. He gets a nod and a smile in response, and Kiseok tells himself he has to give this guy a good tip.

  His hands are sweaty as he scales the steps (which feels like a monstrous feat, given the fact that he's nursing a cracked rib or two). Flowers, why didn't he bring flowers? He probably wouldn't have been capable of holding them with how clammy his palms are. Never mind, he'll get them for Jaebum later. As he rings the doorbell, they get sweatier still.  _Christ, I'm gonna make my own lake,_ he dryly muses as he manages to break into a sweat despite the cool air. The door swings open, and his breath is stuck in his throat for a moment.

  A young Korean girl opens the door, maybe mid-twenties. Oh no, had Jay gone and gotten himself someone to bounce back with? Was he already replaced? Kiseok swallows the bile in his throat and bows a bit. He almost doesn't want to see Jay now, if this girl is with him. "Hi," he says timidly in Korean. "Is Jaebum here?"

  The girl stares for a while, lips parted in confusion. It's quiet for a while, too quiet. Uncomfortably quiet, really, and he has to wipe his hands on his pants again. But Kiseok can see why Jay might have picked her, she's beautiful. A chin-length bob cut and dramatic side bangs, strong eyeliner and burgundy lips, she breaks the mold of the typical timid, natural makeup found in Korea. She looks more like a K-Pop star than the girl next door, and Jaebum must like them that way now. He always liked confidence in a woman, and she exudes it. He's about to ask if she heard him, but she speaks up. "Uhm... sorry, I don't speak Korean."

  His eyebrows raise of their own accord, and he can't help but respond in Korean once more with a "Really?" She shakes her head, and he can see the gears turning in her head as she tries to remember how to repeat herself in a way Kiseok will understand. He waves her off, laughing a bit. "Sorry, sorry. Uhm, is Jaebum here?"

  She seems to think for a moment, pulling one of her pretty lips between her teeth. If this is who Jay's replaced him with, Kiseok believes he should be honored. He had to pick someone exquisite to challenge Kiseok with; she wasn't someone run of the mill. It helps the ache a bit. She stares for a moment longer, and her eyes light up in understanding.

   "Oh, the K-Pop star! No, his parents moved. But I can give you their new address." She looks for paper and a pen on the entry way table, and her eyes go wide as she looks up at him again. "Oh my god, you're Simon Dominic. Can I have an autograph?"

  After the exchange, the door closes, and Kiseok feels a wave of emotions. Bliss, relief, longing, and something deep in his chest that he can't define. Something grumbles. Oh, that's his stomach. He had barely eaten the hombao before it plummeted to the pavement.

  "Ah, how much food does one guy need?" Kiseok asks himself in mock exasperation. His smile is so wide that it hurts his cheeks, and he hops back into the cab.

  "Your girl didn't wanna see you?" The cab driver asks with a sympathetic smile. Kiseok just chuckles at the thought of calling Jay his girl, and how mad he would get.

  "Nah, not my girl. Wrong house." He straps in, and they start back towards the city. "Ay, what's good to eat here?"


	7. Chapter 6

 

* * *

 

 

 

 It's been a month, and Jay finally feels like he might as well go back to Korea. Kiseok hasn't come around since the Pike Place incident, not even a pay phone call. Perhaps he went home, and they could work it out there? He obviously still cared. Well, that or he just didn't want to see someone die. Maybe he'd just gone back to Korea because he didn't care enough. In any case, he's sure that Kiseok couldn't possibly still be here. If he is, he's probably just here on vacation now. Hard to keep Kiseok away from good food, and Seattle has so much of it. All in all, Jay's almost more exhausted than he had been before he arrived back to his homeland. He has been through more than enough heartbreak over this man, and has finally come to terms with the idea of letting this die...  _like you would have if Kiseok hadn't found you and protected you?_

 

   Ah, all the contradictions. It's foolish, really, but his head is still spinning. Kiseok would have saved him whether he still loved him or not. _He may hate me,_ Jay muses,  _but he wouldn't ever want me dead. That's too cold._  The things he consoles himself with because their love was most likely long gone, yet he couldn't let go... like a naive young child, wishing for Santa Claus. His body has since healed from the bar fight, but his heart feels like it has been manhandled and stomped upon even more. Broken beyond repair.

  Speaking of death, it had looked like Kiseok had been touched by it. He had looked so unlike himself. Pallid, and not just like a typical Washingtonian. Not a matter of sun, but of neglecting personal health. Was he sick? Jay would make him food and cuddle him back to health if he could. He clearly hadn't been eating well, either, despite Jay being sure he would have taken a food tour around the city by now. No, it must have been quite the opposite; he was tad gaunt in the face. And the bruises... that had been sufficient fuel to give him nightmares for weeks. The purplish, greenish, unsightly thing that had managed to stay beneath his nearly healed black eye. Jay couldn't even imagine the thought of those brutish, awful men punching him. The notion that anyone could enjoy hurting someone as wonderful as Kiseok sent him into tears each time he thought about it. What if it had been more than the bar fight, though? What if he was just fighting to ignore the pain of his breakup? To overwhelm the mental pain with physical discomfort?  _What an awful boyfriend I am_ , Jay tells himself, _to have hurt the love of my life so horribly_. The love of _his_ life.  _His_ Kiseok. After all that's happened, does he still have the nerve to say Kiseok belongs to him? Yes, and without regret. He misses  _his Kiseok._

  Jay still prays for some final miracle before he heads back to Seoul, or something  _g_ _ood_  regarding Kiseok to remember the trip by. Yet, as he stuffs everything back in his bag, prepping himself for the long flight home, he knows that their time has just about run out.  _Just one text, please Kiseok. Just one._ Against his better judgement, Jay still prays to hear from him again. He wants to board his plane with some sort of finality on the issue that has plagued him for so long.

 

~~~

 

  Shaking, why is he always shaking? What is this, did he have some sort of aneurysm? Kiseok has no idea why he's acting like a little high school boy, confessing his love to his first girlfriend's parents. But in a way, he ponders wryly, that  _is_  indeed the case here. Jay was the first boyfriend he had ever had, and it was nerve-wracking. Never before had he been in a relationship that severely went against what the general public believed in. Not to say that his relationship with Lady Jane had gone over terribly well at first- too many thirsty fans that wanted to imagine they still had a chance with either of them. But that wasn't a matter of Korea's social policies as a whole. The gay community was growing for sure, but it would be despicable for Kiseok and Jay to come out to anyone as a couple. The thought made him want to vomit a little from anxiety.

_No, Jung Kiseok, none of that now._ The rapper chides himself, gripping the stems of the hefty bouquet to force his hands to stop shaking. He relaxes his grip when he finally realizes the instinctive reaction. What kind of apology would it be if he showed up far later than he should have, with a bunch of mangled flowers?  _Just his family, not even all of them. Just his parents. Just the ones that raised him, and knew him better than anyone else, and could disown him if they didn't believe that their son should be in a relationship with another man... oh god, I really need to throw up now._

With bile all too familiar a flavor now, Kiseok scales the stairs to Jay's parents' house again. The  _proper_ one this time. He's just about ready to black out when he pressed the doorbell, and has to grip the stair railing as he lowers himself down a few steps. He has to be polite, or at least give himself space to not get hit by the door, or flying objects, fists, ecetera. The door opens to a man that looks a lot like Jay probably will in thirty years, and his heart races fast. Of all the people to directly address, it has to be his father before anyone else. If he doesn't get this one right, he won't have the chance to even get some sort of mercy from Jay's mother. He takes a deep breath, and is just about to open his mouth...

  Oh no, does Jay's family even speak Korean? He grew up never speaking the language, and even had to learn it himself when he was joining a band at the age of sixteen. Kiseok wants to scream now, to throw down the bouquet and just go home. Not only has he screwed up so terribly thus far that Jay had to pack up and go back to his family, he has to explain the whole ordeal in  _English?!_ God dammit, he hasn't studied it in years! Almost a decade! He forces a smile, parting his lips as he goes to speak again.

   _What's one more fuck up, right? Just add on to the total so far, rack up as many as possible._

_"_ Hi, Mister Park. Is Jaebum here?"

 

~~~

 

  There's a call for Jay from the kitchen that disrupts his brooding; it's his mother's loving tone, beckoning him out of his old bedroom. "I'll be out soon," he calls back in an almost monotonous fashion, dismissing what he thinks is a call to lunch. There's footsteps to his room, a knock on the door. His mother asks for him again. "Mom, I'll be right out. Is something wrong?" Abandoning his half-stuffed bag, and the mess surrounding it on the bed, Jay strolls to the door. Somewhat concerned, his fingers touch the knob as his mother pushes the door in.

  "Honey, you have some company." His mother doesn't seem alarmed or hurt in any way, which somewhat eases his nerves. But who could it be? Hep said he would be busy today, or off at some dance event who knows where. Jay can't quite remember. All he knows is that there's nobody here for him that he would truly be willing to see.

  "No, mom, it's okay.. tell them to come back later or something, I gotta go or I'm gonna miss this flight."

  "Jaebum-ah, I think this one is important." He's surprised to hear her so insistent on the matter, but he knows that smile. His mother is smiling in almost an impish manner, like she knows something that he doesn't. "I don't think you'll be wasting your time." With the amount of hope in her eyes, and Jay's strong devotion to make his mother happy, he relents and follows her to the front door. When they reach the entryway, he can't see his parents. He can't feel how frigid the air is on his bare arms, or the goosebumps he gets.

  All he can see is  _him._

  Bruised, shoulders slouched, and gaunter than before, is Kiseok. His eyes widen and get brighter for a moment when he lays eyes on Jay, like his life has been devoid of meaning since Jay had walked out on him. He visibly looks ready to crumble, to go to Jay and properly fall apart, but there's torment back in his features as he forces himself to stay still. His hands wring the plastic wrap around the flower stems nervously.

  "Uh, I... Jaebum, I'm sorry." He stumbles in his English, and the way his voice trembles makes Jay want to silence and comfort him. To take him inside and pretend none of this happened. "I shoulda loved you more. If you wanna... tell people, about us. That's okay. But if you don't, cuz you don't love me..."

  Jay walks down the steps as though in a trance, past his parents as though they were never there. At the base of the stairs, he really is there. As real as ever. Kiseok offers him the bouquet in his hands, vivid and beautiful, but nothing could possibly overshadow the beauty of their holder. Regardless of how rough he looks, and the furrow of his brow as he tries so hard to express everything he feels in such limited vocabulary. Jay's stare causes Kiseok's voice to fade away, and they opt for staring at each other- oh god, it is him. Dismissing any sort of caution, he pulls Kiseok into a tight hug. He can't help but smile, tears spilling through his own lashes, as he feels tears start to roll down his shoulder to his tank top.

  They stand there for what feels like far too short a time, compared to how long they've suffered. Kiseok is still holding Jay like his life depends on it when the latter goes to pull away a little, and the look in Kiseok's eyes as he steps away a bit is downright fear. Fear of losing him again, of perhaps even being left for good. Jay silences his worries with a kiss to the forehead, shushing him gently. And the first words Kiseok watches leave his Jaebum's lips in one long month?

  "My parents speak Korean, you know."

  Against all odds, Kiseok finds it in himself to shove Jay. "YAH, you didn't tell me?!" He yells as wholeheartedly and playfully as he had in a time that feels so long ago, when they had been happy like this. He tries to keep pouting as Jay laughs and kisses his cheek, grinning as he murmurs against his skin.

  "I liked seeing you struggle, though. It reminds me how much you love me."

  Kiseok hears Jay's parents laugh at the two of them from the doorway, and supposes that's all they had to say on the matter. He ultimately fails to maintain his pout when he's nearly dragged into his house by his enthusiatic boyfriend. He's too happy to even feign discontent. Inside, his heart finally feels like it's beating again. He can finally see the light in Jay's eyes again, and they twinkle like he can't ever remember them doing. He seems fully free.

 

~~~

 

  That night, laying in the queen bed in Jay's old room, Kiseok is plagued with another concern. "Jaebum-ah? You asleep?" He whispers softly against Jay's bare shoulder, kissing it gently. Though he seemed to be deep in sleep, Jay turns around, looking sleepy but too ecstatic to rest. Kiseok gives him a gentle squeeze, pressing closer. "Are you gonna stay here? I know you said this was your real home..."

  Jay looks thoughtful as he squirms to turn around in Kiseok's arms, smiling a bit. "I love it here, but this isn't where I'm meant to be. Just because I have family here doesn't make my family back home any less important." Kiseok looks even more confused now, and Jay laughs quietly into his chest. "What?"

  "You keep changing your mind. This is home, that's home..." He looks far too tired for this level of thinking, but Kiseok still stares at Jay in a way that makes him feel precious. "Where do you wanna be? I proved to you that I'll go anywhere you go."

  "I just wanna be where I'm loved, and safe. Happy. And where you're happy. Home is just somewhere for me to be with you, Kiseok. So... I think we need to go back, unless you wanna practice your English some more." Jay grins as Kiseok shakes his head, quicker than he's done anything in a long time.

  "No no, we're going back. Lemme study English, or pretend to, before we come back." Feeling satisfied, he strokes Jay's fair skin gently. "That"s all I needed to know. Go ahead and sleep, 'kay? I'll be here tomorrow."

  "Well... I don't think I can sleep," the younger admits shyly. He runs his fingers along Kiseok's clavicle in a timid, pointed manner. Almost sensing the next question, a prod for an explanation, he blushes. "I still don't feel like we're close enough. Like, you're here, but... I  _miss_ you." Hesitantly looking up, he comes face to face with a big smirk.

  "It's been a while, huh? Don't suppose you'd know how long it's been?" Kiseok loves it when Jay gets needy, he's always terribly quiet and indirect about it.

  Kiseok practically has to read Jay's pretty plush lips as they say, "A month and a half. Almost to the day." Bright red, Jay presses closer as Kiseok's arms squeeze him around the waist.

  "You gotta be quiet, though. I'm not trying to tell your parents this much about us." Jay cups his face in both hands, kissing him lovingly. He has to force himself not to grin too much at the thought of getting his way, or Kiseok will surely tease him about being too cute to "violate".

  "Not a peep."


	8. Epilogue

 

* * *

 

 

 The days go by far quicker than before.

  With everything cleared up, Jay and Kiseok are still practically inseperable. Mostly because Kiseok is still partially afraid of losing Jay, and tends to grip his hand like they're fused together.

 One day, the question Jay's been holding off on finally arises. "Oh yeah," Jay asks as they stroll down the streets together. He pauses and pulls a curious, doe-eyed Kiseok out of the pathway of others. "How come you still don't answer my calls or texts?"

  He's met with a terribly confused gaze,and Kiseok reaches for his pocket. He produces his new iPhone 7, and checks his call history. "Well, I never get any calls or messages from you. I haven't since..." His mouth parts in an "o" shape as he puts the pieces in place, looking up from the screen to Jay. "You never put my new phone number in your phone."

  "H-huh?" Jay starts to blush as he realizes his lover is correct. He had been so distracted in the studio when Kiseok had gotten the phone that he never bothered to get his new number. "Oh my god, I forgot! What kind of a boyfriend am I?" His lover beams and hugs him close, nuzzling at his cheek with a grin.

  "There there. Not everyone can be as great as me."

  This warrants him a proper smack to the back of the head, which is still slightly sore from meeting the pavement on a night that seems like a memory now.

  For leisure purposes, they decide to stay in Jay's hometown for another month or so. Kiseok is back to the way he was, his color gone from a sickly pale to a healthy pink undertone in his skin. He's bounced back from his nervous streak of not eating -if anything, he's a little overfed- and his lock on Jay's hand is less that of a desperate child to their mother, and more like that of a confident lover.

  All the time spent apart made Kiseok long to see his face terribly bad, and it's left a lasting impression on him. Jay doesn't always notice the way Kiseok grins at him, and gazes at him often, but their company always does. When they meet up with Chase one day at a Starbucks (Kiseok's tired of seeing them really, they're everywhere) he pointedly teases the rapper for staring at Jay one day. "You look at him so fondly, like he's gonna just turn into smoke," his lover's childhood friend accuses with a smirk.

  "Well, he's his own person. You know better than anybody how free-spirited Jay is." Briefly looking at Chase, he smiles. Even the producer has realized he seems better than ever before, more complete. "He loves, but isn't ever quiet tied down. He'll just up and fly away when he wants to. As his boyfriend, I gotta enjoy him until he decides to fly the coop again."

  Jay just pretends not to hear him as he waits for their drinks at the counter, chewing on his botton lip with a flattered smile. When he returns to the table, and Kiseok lifts his drink from the caddy, there's a small sketch of two happy birds in a nest on his napkin. Jay says nothing of it, but Kiseok sees him smile as he touches his cup to his lips.

~~~

  They finally return to Korea, two months after the ordeal, and host a manditory AOMG meeting as the two CEOs. They're welcomed home like heroes, with embraces and food (and even some tears, but Hyukwoo insists he's just emotionally compromised from lack of sleep).

  "Well, boss...es," Jukyung finally pipes up with a big grin. The excitement has died down, satisfaction and joy in the atmosphere at the thought of everyone being together again. "What's the meeting for? You two done with your lover's quarrel?"

  Kiseok and Jay look at each other with equally surprised grins. Their friend had been joking, of course, but they couldn't have planned better segways to properly frame the discussion. "Um, actually... yes." Though he had been the one to be so afraid of the whole idea, the one to insist that they not disclose their relationship, Kiseok is the one who speaks up. He takes a deep breath, squares his shoulders, and faces them all with a proud smirk. "We are. There was a bit of a miscommunication between us. By saying that, I mean I was a total asshole and ignored something Jaebummie wanted for a long time." A few sets of eyebrows raise at the cute way Kiseok addresses his co-CEO, and he decides to set the whole argument to rest. For everyone to see, he grabs Jay's hand. Their fingers fit between each other's in a natural way.  Even though Jay's on his left side, he can see his lover grin as clearly as he could have with his non-damaged eye. "Jaebum and I are dating. We have been for a while now, over six months. I was afraid to tell anyone, because it's not something I'm used to. I was afraid to look like a fool, or like less of a man in front of the people I care so much about."

  The air is heavy. Not in a negative sense, but with importance. The magnitude of the conversation is strong, and he notices that everyone is transfixed on them. They seem proud, in a way. Taking a deep breath, Kiseok continues. "I realize I was a total idiot for thinking that any of you would have treated me, or Jaebum, any differently. We've surrounded ourselves with amazing friends. Like a fool, I was worried I was giving up some of my masculinity for us to confess to you all. But that was my fault. And I have to apologize. To each and every one of you, and again to Jay. Who I could not imagine living without."

   Jay, blushing a surprisingly bright shade of red, is scanning over them all as Kiseok speaks. He stops chewing on his bottom lip to see some of them looking rather smug. Hoody is looking at the couple as though she has known all along, and Elo pokes her in the ribs with an equally-knowing smile. He looks at Pumkin, not far away, who has failed to hide a smile behind his hand in a fake yawn. Kiseok, so transfixed on his monologue, continues unaware.

   "So, I doubt any of you will have a problem with us... but if you do, I'll kick your ass. I just got over a couple broken ribs and I'd do it again." He grins like a proud fool, finally making eye contact with Jay. "For you."

  "Oh my god, just fucking kiss already!" Wegun reluctantly groans, and there are multiple cheers as others agree.

  There are hoots of joy as the couple kiss, Jay's arms wrapped around Kiseok's shoulders as his counterpart hugs his waist. Suddenly, there's a sequence of loud pops -which veil the sound of Wegun saying this is like watching his parents kiss-, and the pair is showered in clumps of cheap confetti. Pulling apart, they note in comical astonishment that everyone has a cheap confetti gun, much like those given to children at birthday parties. Looking around like they demand an explanation, the two focus on Sunghwa, who meets their gaping-mouthed expressions with a cheeky grin.

  "We kinda figured it out a while ago. So congrats and stuff, buuut... You guys really aren't subtle."

 

* * *

 

  Well, that's it! How did you guys like it?! I had an absolute blast writing this, despite the astronomical amounts of pain XD I hope you were able to enjoy it, and not suffer completely! Please leave me your feedback, keep supporting AOMG, and maybe read my other AOMG fics? They aren't this sad, I swear!

  Spread the love, and thanks for reading! 너무 너무 감사합니당~


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